I am a comedian, actor, author, dancer, radio personality and all around sweetie. CONTEXTUALLY INADEQUATE, April 24 10pm, EPIX
How long did it take to get diagnosed with adorable huggable boy syndrome?
9 out of 10 doctors surveyed melted when they saw me
If you could bring back one dead comedian to tour the country with doing stand up before they go back under, who would it be?
What’s your favourite cheese?
Why do Kevin and Sam hate each other? HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON!!!… Chuck from North Carolina, you’re on the phone!…
I don’t know to be honest, I suspect they want to suck each other’s penises
Favourite species of worm: silk or earth?
Is your relationship with Louis C.K. basically like the one you two have on the show Louie?
Yes, Louis and I have been friends for about 15 years and we interact very much the way we do on screen. He’s a creep
Do you feel there is any validity to the term “Gregshells”? If you had to , would you bet that O&A will reunite or those times are over?
The validity to the term Greggshells was that he was seen as the boss, and his mood was more dominant. Op and I have had a very big argument once since July. It was resolved only because he picked up the phone and called me to talk it out. He is not perfect, but there have been quite a few times he’s picked up the phone to clear the air when he felt there might be tension. I am only speaking about with me, I don’t know how often he texted or called Ant ( i mean over the years) or how many times Ant reached out to him
Was the argument about you tweeting about going to dinner after the Colin thing when and he didn’t show up the next day because he didn’t go?
No not at all, that was something we talked about the next day and he told Sam and I that he didn’t intend that to be directed towards us (or Ant) at all
How do you determine what criticisms of your act have merit and what ones are unfounded? Is that answer different when the criticisms come from your own head?
I am very self critical, so if people say things I’ve been thinking, I definitely consider that strongly. Also, audience response.
What is your go-to or favorite joke/one-liner that is also super easy to remember and deliver?
I pull my pants pockets out and tell people to ‘kiss the rabbit between the ears’. Guaranteed laugh getter
How do I get rid of your antivirus software? It’s really bogging down my computer.
I hate when people confuse us. And my last name isn’t even MacAfee! LOL LOL LOL PLEASE RT
Do you think the advantages of being an owl outweigh the disadvantages?
Do you ever get hard looking at Opie’s juicy titties?
The question is, do I ever not? Mix that in with Sam’s birthing hips and it’s a real cum fest in there
What do you think is the funniest moment in the history of the Opie & Anthony show?
When Erock eventually dies
Your reaction to the retirement of radio luminary, Fez Whatley?
I love Fez and I wanted to give him a proper goodbye. I am glad he retired and wasn’t forced out.
Lady Di wants to come in the studio and show her cunt. She spoke to Sam on the pre show about it. My question is how long would it take you to cum in that situation?
I’d blow my load as soon as they said, ‘she’s on her way up’
When Ant got fired, is there anything you wish you had done differently?
No, because what happened to him was beyond my control. I was in constant contact with him and put Hannity in touch with him (at Sean’s request) to try and talk to him because he was having a rather horrid couple of days. Anyone who thinks I haven’t been loyal to Anthony has no idea what the nature of our relationship is.
What was it like when you won the award for being the boy with a smile that most resembled a rainbow?
That contest was sponsored by Fruit Striped gum and I was a shoe in, since mother was on the voting committee
What’s the most offensive joke you’ve ever told to a live audience?
probably my impression of blowing a baby. I did it when I first started to less than stellar results
Do you ever read any of the posts in the Opie & Anthony subreddit?
Sometimes, but the overwhelming positive response to my act and radio performance gets embarrassing. I would prefer some honest critiquing instead of the blind praise i get there.
We’re not allowed to honestly critique though because most of us aren’t using our real names. Right, Jim?
You can do what you want, beecostume
Do you wish you could do an AMA without having to field questions that are based mostly around our shitty fan-fiction perception of you, Opie, and Anthony?
I don’t mind answering any of them, I don’t find the questions shocking or uncomfortable. Are my answers posting?
If you had to quit doing stand-up/comedy, what would be your plan b?
To join reddit and rejoice with the rest of them
Why doesn’t Regular Joe have a Twitter account?
eh, no time for that fancy shmancy tweetin. what am i a bird? you tweet, i’ll get down to the job site and do an honest days work
What was God thinking when he made you so adorable?
He was thinking, this boy’s DEVILISHLY handsome (shinkel bout it)
Is chip gay?
tss no you FUCKKIN PEESA GHABIGE. I never kissed a buncha peckas once
Can you give more details about your animation project?
working on a Chip animation that is actually going to happen. I don’t know where it will wind up though. Probably in my living room with just me watching
Just wondering if the break up of the show has had any effect on your friendship with Anthony or if you guys talk or see each other as much as you did? Also, why don’t you do Uncle Paul as much as you used to?
Ant and I text four or five days a week, sometimes just briefly. It has not affected our friendship. At all.
What was your favorite thing that you learned from a guest on your talk show?
when Ozzy recognized I’d lost weight
Since you guys are having a lot of the same comedians in, why not Big Jay Oakerson anymore?
I don’t know why it hasn’t worked out with Big Jay, there is no animosity. He thinks I don’t like him which isn’t true. I never felt like he cared too much about me or had a desire to be friends. I never thought he wanted me dead, always thought he was fairly indifferent.
If Ant gets the studio going in the city this summer, do you see yourself being there regularly? It’s so unfortunate the gang can’t get back together yet, but it sounds like things are getting better between the guys, so would it be safe to say Opie is cool with it?
Yes, I would be on Ant’s show much more often if he were in NY. I wanted to do this AMA from his house but I had press right before and after.
I love Chip so much. Do you ever think as Chip when you are alone?
What was the greatest, hilariously horrible thing you ever witnessed Patrice say/do to someone?
When him and Eddie Ifft had their argument at the Comedy Cellar
Why do you think that so many fans of opie and anthony think that opie absolutely stinks and is not funny?
Opie has always brought out a lot of anger in people, something he acknowledges almost happily. People have the right to not think he’s funny, or that I stink, or whatever. The HATE people direct at him I think has a lot to do with things he has said or done that just made them angry. It’s really is ridiculous at this point the amount of venom directed at him. You can dislike him, but no matter what he does, he is wrong in certain people’s eyes
Can you tell us about your most memorable Patrice experience, interaction, etc?
us in Brasil laughing at our friend Evan trying to speak Portuguese.
What guest have you had in the past year who you would have most liked for Anthony to be there for the interview?
FUUUCK. Arnold yesterday. So much. Only because i know Ant would have loved it. The ENTIRE Cosby scandal as well.
Whose the most famous lady you ever stuck your pecka in?
Vanity. Not the one Prince dated
Do you ever reflect on the glory days of O&A in comparison to where it is today? If so, what are your thoughts on where it was to where it ended up?
No matter what era we were in, people always told us we stunk and used to be better. Glory days are only such in hindsight. But I miss Anthony being there and of course it’s hurt the show. You cannot lose someone that brilliantly funny and not have a huge vacuum.
What are your thoughts on the hate Opie gets over on r/opieandanthony?
I understand a lot of the anger the fans have. They feel like something they love has been ruined. He gets a very over the top amount of anger directed at him, some of which is totally ridiculous. But to people who hate the show now and don’t listen, I have no problem with. You’re allowed to think we stink.
Why do you think lucky louie failed where louie succeeded?
Failed because HBO cares about critics, we were actually highly rated.
What’s your favourite joke or analogy that you’ve been told and thought “Hey, I might steal that?”
Anson Williams when he told us he went out with Gerald Ford’s daughter. I figured I’d make it mine and add some ass eating to spice it up
Previously we’ve heard Opie and Anthony fighting. Everyone has their ups & downs in a relationship. Could you see them becoming friends again in the future?
Yes and I’m not being Oscar the Optimist. They both needed to blow off a lot of steam, things built up and I could see it coming. As could they. I definitely think they can work together on one level or another.
Do you believe Opie when he says things like “I haven’t seen the episode of Ant’s show I’m about to cry over”?
I don’t know if he saw that one or not. He cried when he was remembering their friendship. But i didn’t have reason not to believe him, Sam and i saw it and said that, not sure why he wouldn’t want people to know.
If Anthony picks up a second host, who do you feel would best fit that role (opie not an option)?
Agatha from Twitter
If Nazi’s had your parents, and you had to make love to Opie or Anthony… Who would you pick?
My parents are Nazis, so neither
What’s your most embarrassing moment?
It’s changing from question to question
Do you have any pets? Understanding you travel frequently, have you considered a pet rock?
I have pet warts which I keep in my anus
What’s the most embarassing thing you did while performing?
Turned the microphone on
Can you clarify on what you meant when you called redditors who bashed Opie “cowards” on Joe Rogan’s podcast? You got a lot of backlash here for bashing people for using online personas.
I was talking about people who want me to bash Opie. They say I’m being dishonest (or cowardly) because I’m not saying what they think I should say. They think the truth is what they want to hear. So I am calling the cowards for always shit talking under fake names. Bashing Opie is allowed, there’s no reason to pretend to be someone else. But I do understand that being in the public eye, so we sign up for a tremendous amount of it. The stuff about his wife is just silly, and the guys who write that stuff would never have the courage to say it to him in person
When you write a very good joke but after examining it you realize it’s not “gettable” by most, what do you do other than just keep telling it to yourself randomly and laughing?
I very rarely think crowds don’t get my jokes. They get them and like them or don’t
How do I get a girl to toss my salad? And does it make me gay for liking it so much?
Sit on her face and tell her she has to eat her way out like a rat in a cage with a heated bottom. And no, it doesn’t make you gay. Unless you do it to a man.
Any advice for a actually mediocre/beginner stand up comedian who has been doing it for a little be longer than a year?
Yes, expect to be me in 25
Have you received any hatred, shitty comments or otherwise “backlash” about Bailey Jay hosting your Vice Show?
None at all. People gave the typical, ‘he thinks it’s edgy because she’s a tranny’ idiocy, but no real backlash.
Are you going to be on this new season of Louie?
I have a scene i LOVED. yes
What’s been you worst post ejaculation feeling of “what the fuck am I doing with my life?”
duck walking to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles and a burning sensation in my eye
Why do you think you are such a pervert?
I’m really not, and I explain that to every neighbor I intrude (INTRODUCE) myself to by law.
Who do you think is the best living comic right now (can’t pick yourself)?
Colin would have to be my favorite
Pepsi or Coke? Does the Pepsi can joke have any influence on your favorite?
Coke, Pepsi blows
Do you think he should of watched it rather than get bullet points which by the sounds of it painted it in a different tone?
I do think he should have watched because it wasn’t the tone he initially thought
Would you be okay with Opie hiring a third mike like Sherrod or Dan Soder or would you want him to wait for him and Ant to reunite?
I love Dan and Sherrod. It would be hard for me to see anyone hired in that spot
When Gregg claimed that Anthony tried to prevent you from being apart of the show, Anthony denied it. Did he do that to try and put a wedge between you two? What exactly would be the motive to lie about something like that?
I don’t think he said Ant tried to prevent me, he said Ant wasn’t for it. I really don’t know which is true, it’s something Im fine with either way. If this came up a year into my time with them, I’d freak out. But almost 15 years in? It’s not important to me
I heard you were terrible in bed. Is that true?
Ask your MUTHHHHAAAAA. awwwwww shit
How many times a day do you blink on average?
Look up ‘rotation of a neutron star’
Are you worried about Bruce Jenner stealing your thunder the night of your special?
No, I’m worried about him stealing all the jizz I will be pumping out all over myself watching his interview
How do I tell a girl that I want her to peg me or urinate on me?
Just tell her you’re Jim Norton, she’ll understand
How do you stay in such good shape?
I allow myself to be used as a human toilet. The shame of that prevents me from eating, so I lose weight.
Do you miss having fun at work?
I do have fun at work. I love to perform. Do I miss Anthony? Every day.
Have you ever mistaken Opie for a tranny hooker due to the fact he has large breasts and whores himself out to SXM and has this caused any friction in your relationship?
Is this a real question or are you being sarcastic?
When Anthony gets a studio in the city, do you think you might do his show daily? Is there anything in your Sirius contract that would prevent you from doing so?
My contract doesn’t prevent me from appearing on any show. I would do Ant’s show all the time if he were in the city
First of sir you are an amazing comedian, secondly why you always have too piss so much during the show?
My bladder sucks and I’ve had to piss for over an hour doing this
How is it going now that you are trying to curb some of your sexual endeavors? Have you seen any change/improvements?
I have more money and bluer balls
If the choices were Bonnie McFarlane, Amy Schumer and Natasha Leggero who would you Fuck, Kill and Marry?
I’d fuck Natasha, marry Bonnie and Kill Rich Vos. I need Amy alive because she puts me on tv
What’s your opinion on Sarah Silverman and the blatant lie she told in that wage-gap video?
I haven’t seen the video, but read Al’s response. A guest spot definitely wouldn’t pay what a regular spot pays, so if thats’ really all that happened, i think Al is right
Gun to your head and you have to blow either Gene Simmons or Ozzy Osbourne who do you choose and why?
I would blow Ozzy and jerk Gene off under the table
Which community college student you were banging gave you the phrase “commonality of language”?
I learned that my freshman year in Harvard
how was working with Louis CK on Lucky Louie?
TERRIBLE. Non stop kissing and groping, no work got done
Does Chip have all full use of his motor skills?
Would you rather have sex with your girlfriend’s body but she has your mom’s consciousness or sex with your mom’s body but it has your girlfriend’s consciousness?
Why can’t I do both?
Have you ever had sex with a woman where you didn’t have to pay her?
I will get back to you
Of all the mma guys you encountered who was the most physically intimidating? Who hurt you the most? How was Fedor, cool or weird?
Fedor was oddly quiet and soft spoken. I have found none of them intimidating because they’re all really down to earth. Every one of them can kick the shit out of me, but none of them carry themselves that way. If I had to pick one, maybe Brock Lesnar
How do you organize your thoughts/stance on a particular subject so that you are ready to intelligently debate it on air?
I try not to let anger dictate it, although that’s much easier to do when I write. Too many times on air I’ve been an angry asshole.
What would you define as the best era of your radio adventures? Secondly what’s your favourite late night snack?
The first few years of xm probably. My favorite late night snack is marmalade
What’s your goto alcoholic beverages for winding down?
I love gin. But I don’t drink it, I just funnel it into my asshole
Can we please be honest that Opie is completely over sensitive and cannot handle any criticism (we get it, we’re all “haters) so why can you two rip people every morning but he can’t take it?
I don’t think you’re all haters. I know people will think I’m just defending Opie blindly, but honestly he does care about what fans think. A lot. He is not indifferent to it. Even back at WNEW, Ant and i would ask why he gave a shit about the instant feedback. He’s not good at hiding his emotions, so when people see it angers him at times, they use that. The same part of him that gets pissed off is the same part that enabled him to pull of things like Steve the Whistler while Ant and I were trying to hang ourselves in the corner.
Do you want to become this great standup artist and continue that forever or start acting in bigger rolls?
I love doing stand up. Acting is fine, but I never want to not do stand up
Do you wash your hair or your body first in the shower?
Neither, I do both in the toilet
Could you touch on your writing style? Do you block out specific hours during the day and write about one topic? Or do funny thoughts and ideas for “bits” just come to you in a cab, etc.
No, I try things onstage and work them out that way. I should probably write more down
What do you think can be done for people like you to get more representation on professional sports teams?
Make wheelchairs mandatory
What is your opinion on the recent events of the Anthony Cumia and Opie scruffle?
It bummed me out but it’s one of those things that needed to happen. I’d prefer that to them just both saying nothing. Now they can work on repairing things.
Do you ever worry about dying alone, your act long-forgotten, your genius unrecognised, perhaps in a wing of a supermax prison specifically reserved for sex offenders? If so, how do you get over that worry?
I worry about 3 of those things and jerk off to thoughts of the others
How awesome is it to sit down and shoot the shit with Joe Rogan? You were awesome on his podcast, by the way, and I agree with him 100% – you need to start your own!
Joe is fantastic, such a natural. you never know where the interview will go, it feels truly like a hang with a friend
I remember you not speaking positively about the Helium club in Philly (I think?). Are there any other venues in the city that you’d consider playing, aside from outside of the city in Atlantic City?
I loved that club, I think Amy had an issue, but I enjoyed it
What is your favorite stunt or bit you were apart of durn the Opie and Anthony show?
The stunt where I fucked a girl in what would eventually become Ron and Fez’s office at xm
How do you not completely stop the show and berate Opie for each of his horrendous attempts at jokes? Does it hurt when he interrupts you on a roll to take a shitty caller who stops the momentum dead in its tracks?
Sounds to me like you’re biased against Opie sir. And on most days, under any circumstances, I would throw the phones out. But I’ve always felt that way. Except on my advice show. Where I desperately need them.
Do you seriously think Ant isnt a racist?
I think so much of what Ant reacts to is the frustration at the way things are reported. I find myself being angered by the same shit. You feel like there’s something the press isn’t saying that you have to push back against. Just look at how they handled his story
What was the one act of sexual gratification that left you feeling the most ashamed afterwards?
I once made love to a girl and held her hand after